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Gaslighting begins as a subtle form of manipulation that one person does to another - usually in an intimate relationship - to win power and control in the relationship dynamic.
It is often used simultaneously with a suite of other manipulative behaviours that erode the Gaslit person’s confidence and independence. When done repeatedly, it destabilises the Gaslit person’s perception of reality, making them doubt firstly their memory, then their interpretation of events; which, when you think about it, is our reality.
Gaslighting is the favoured manipulation technique of the narcissist which these days, is less of a clinical diagnosis, than it is an quasi intellectual insult from someone whose overachieved sense of entitlement has been challenged… but more on that in another article.
Doubt is the weapon of the Gaslighter; confidence their vehicle.
The term “gaslighting” was coined by the 1938 British play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton and its subsequent film adaptations. In the play the husband convinces his wife, and everyone around her, that she is ‘insane’ to protect a secret he desperately does not want uncovered.
In real life - as in the play - the Gaslighter erases the past reality of an event and re-creates it the way they want it to be remembered, the version that best serves their own interest. On a larger scale, gaslighting is much like the concept of historical negationism, also called denialism. This concept is depicted in the fictional Ministry of Truth in George Orwell’s dystopian novel ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ - essentially a propaganda machine, it is the government department responsible for any necessary falsification of historical events.
On an individual scale, it starts as a subtle boundary violation and ends with the decimation of identity. Identity is created by choice, by autonomy, and when this is given away – when we relinquish our autonomy - we erode our identity. The reason I say we give it away is because we must remember that people choose to be in relationships with those who gaslight them. Yes they are being manipulated, yes they are being deceived, but looking back there are always junctions in the road where they chose to be with a person they knew was deceiving them.
THE LOVE DEFICIT
Gaslighting delegitimises the victim’s emotional response by denying that an event occurred, or the way it occurred. It can be designed to make the desired response neutral and take away the justified anger toward the Gaslighter, or it can be more insidious and put the Gaslit person in an ‘emotional deficit’, where they feel they owe the Gaslighter something. This usually takes the shape of the manipulator being ‘disappointed’ with the Gaslit person and activating their guilt. It also attacks negative core beliefs of: ‘I’m unlovable’, ‘I’m worthless’ ‘I’m a failure’. These manipulations can be calculated or subconscious, depending on the callousness of the individual. They are often slowly introduced into the relationship dynamic until the Gaslighter feels confident enough to be more aggressive with the manipulations and need to give less background information, as their perception of the events has, over the course of many manipulations, become the only one that can be ‘relied’ upon or is rational.
People don’t notice these initial manipulations because they don’t want to notice; because being ‘nice’, or being ‘in love’ takes sacrifice, takes meeting in the middle. But at some point, the middle shifts… closer and closer toward the Gaslighter, as they need to travel a lot less to ‘the new middle’ than they did before; while the Gaslit person has to travel a lot further. And on that journey, sometimes they lose their way back.
To understand more about how Gaslighter’s structure their manipulation check out our follow up article Gaslighting Part 2 here.
If you recognise any of these behaviours you can talk with a therapist now.
