.png){kind=logo}
Gaslighting begins as a subtle form of manipulation that one person does to another to win power and control in the relationship dynamic. After prolonged repetition it destabilises the Gaslit person’s identity by delegitimising their emotional reactions and eroding their autonomy.
Usually associated with the cognitive manipulation of gaslighting is some form of behavioural and emotional motivation, in the form of basic operant conditioning.
If the Gaslighter is challenged or not complied with;
Once compliance of the Gaslit person is achieved, these negative behavioural manifestations are often over compensated for with zeal; anger turns to happiness, disappointment turns into compliments, disapproval turns into acceptance. Thus, the opposite is true for Positive and Negative Reward. Silence is broken with emotional communication and distance is replaced with affection and warmth. Preying on people’s fear of being alone and biological need for love, acceptance, and affection, the Gaslighter makes short work of the trusting Pollyanna in the room.
In relationships the Gaslit person can become dependent on the Gaslighter as they take away their sense of autonomy and self. They erode their confidence over time and make the Gaslit person believe that they are unable to exist without the Gaslighter. They not only doubt their ability to remember past events, but to interpret their perceived reality. After a while, they forget a time when they had emotional and intellectual independence. They start to fear things that were previously exciting to them but more importantly, they accept things from their manipulator that they would never have accepted in the past and would never accept from anyone else.
They start to believe they are lucky to be in the relationship, so much so they fear losing it; thus, creating the gateway to allow many more previously unaccepted behaviors. Minimizing someone’s emotional independence and maximizing their doubt does not come easily, quickly, or without any noticeable signs. The individual that is being victimized will change their morals, their perception of their beliefs – at least how strongly they fight for them - and they will change the way they interact in their social circle. Often, they will disconnect from friends and family as they fall deeper into the love deficit of the Gaslighter.
Terms such as gaslighting and narcissism have had a lot of circulation in the last five to ten years and are often misunderstood. They have come out of the psychology textbook and into the vernacular, which means its original definition has probably changed and people - in their eagerness to understand the world on a deeper psychological level - may misinterpret the phenomena. It’s important to remember that just because you disagreed with someone about how an event was remembered or should be perceived, it does not make it gaslighting. Often, we create our own narrative to support our own perception of the world, so be careful that when you are accusing someone of gaslighting, you are not actually gaslighting them.
And finally – if the Gaslit person does have insight into what is happening, and especially if they are intelligent and generally aware, they will feel shame about their situation. Shame that they have let this occur to them which, in turn, fuels thoughts of, ‘Maybe they’re right, maybe I am overreacting and it’s me” – thus perpetuating the cycle and throwing them deeper under the spell of the manipulation. Patterns repeat. In an attempt to break this pattern of behaviour, the term victim was specifically not used in this passage as I don’t want to create a victim mentality in people; I feel it gives more power to the manipulator. The reality? You let this happen to you, you stayed in the relationship. It’s not the Gaslighter’s responsibility to ‘be a better person’, it’s your responsibility to leave, or call them out.
Autonomy and agency are the answer. The word ‘Victim’ has helpless and passive connotations to me, and I don’t want people to read this and feel that they are helpless. There are many ways to avoid psychological manipulation, the first is to remove yourself from the situation. It may be hard to do, but life is hard, and you have to ask yourself, “What is my happiness worth?” You are responsible for your own happiness, like going to the gym – no one really cares until you’re so unfit you’re a burden. You are responsible for your own mental health.
If you recognise any of these behaviours you can talk with a therapist now.
